A last.

I woke up today pondering what has been going on in the last month. It has almost been 30 days since I last felt my heart beat faster than it had in two years. And right now, I feel nothing. Don't get me wrong, I am alive and certain things do still make me smile, but something is still on my heart that won't let go.

What would it take to feel that feeling again? What would it take to be numb and not worry about it again? Praying helps, yet the feelings steam from that too.

Have you ever prayed for someone unselfishly and never understood why them? Why would you pray for them and not ones before?

At last I ask myself, what is it going to take to get my heart back beating the way it did less than 30 days ago?

I shall wait, and ponder that today.

My Eyes are My Soul

Some would say that they know me, yet they only know what I let them see. If you have never looked in my eyes and deep into my heart, then you really don't know me at all. I have up a wall at times from those that I sense mean me harm. Yet I sense when someone needs to know me if I look into their eyes and read what they see. Most are as confused and troubled as I have been before.
I have been told that my truths could help someone and that I should share more. Yet they aren't ready for my truths yet. So I wait and rather them ask before I just give out information that they may not be ready for.

You see when you look into my eyes really, you can see my pain that I have carried around in my heart. You can hear it in my voice, my laugh and sometimes in my sigh. I may say that I am fine, and for the moment, I just may be. Yet my soul says different and I have yet to release all of that to others.

I have before and most have taken it and bruised it more, attacked it and even ran with it.
So until you really want to sit down and know me before judging me, ask yourself this.
Are you ready to listen?
Are you ready to open up your heart and mind?
Are you ready to look at yourself through my eyes?

My eyes are my soul. Look if you dare.

Today in my world

I have to say that right now, I am feeling a Jones, a Love Jones if you will. For who, well that is hard to say. One is someone that will love me til the end of time, the other is not ready yet has had me for too long. I have to choose today, for my own well being. I am pondering how to give the same love to just one and let the other go....Today in my world, I my choose my Lord, over man. He will not let me fall, he will lift me up always, nothing will stop him from being there when I need him to be. HE will love me no matter what I achieve and praise me when even the littlest thing great happens to me.

Yes, I have a Love Jones for my Lord, and today, HE wins.

Drowning

Fading away like a old instant picture. Losing my breathe because my heart hurts, all the while, you do nothing, say nothing, you drown out my crys, my words, my pain with other things to do. People are disposable to you, and so is my heart, I am drowning in the fear of knowing its over. Yet can I honestly say I didn't want it to be? Can I honestly say that I don't you just like you don't want me? Is it that I felt betrayed when we were together in hopes that you would GET IT together? You stopped doing the simple things, like calling every other day, just to say hey and see how I was doing. No more texting me pictures of me saying that this is why you can't sleep. Because visions of me keep you up at night. I guess your feelings got the best of you and your were drowning in something, what more could i do? I am here and you were there, yet, you let everything stop. The blood from my heart filled up to it's max, and now left me feeling as if I am suffocating. Suffocating from all the hurt, all the lies, all the moments when I thought you were keeping it real, and it was just a front in my eyes.
I am drowning in this sorrow and this felling of non existence to you. Hopeless in thinking what I did was the right thing to do, yet, I haven't gotten a response from you. I guess I won't because that is what you do.
So I guess I will drown myself with my books, my God, and my packed away love for you.

Self Evaluation.

So I am thinking about what has happened over these past couple of weeks. And I still have some unanswered questions from loved ones in my life. Question like, how could you leave me when you said you never would? How could you say you loved me when your action show otherwise? What did I do to you to make you feel like it was ok to hurt me in anyway?

I ask these questions because my heart hurts, and I can't seem to understand why it keeps going on with friends, family and those that I love. Funny, I have been known to give great advice in the past, but it doesn't seem to work for me. So I just listen and take it all in and self evaluate.

The success I have created for myself has become lonely, and yet I wonder, if I were just a regular person, or maybe just a statistic, would things be different for me. I have been told that I intimidate most, and that is why I am single. I have been told that I am too nice, and that is why people take advantage...SO what so I really do? Become evil? Become a Statistic, become that one chick that will do any and everything to get people to love her, like her and stay?

Naw, I can't do that. My Pride, and my Ego, will not let me.

OMG

What a week this has been! I have been out of the loop as far as the web world goes and have been going crazy! No internet and no computer can really take a toll on someone. Anyway, I am back. So what did I miss?

Hmm

So I am just here. I am ok with how things are going now, yet, there is something missing. I am trying to figure out what it is.